Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Gays 'R' Back Mountain

Re: Memoirs of a Gay-sha Trilogy

We all know it was bound to happen. From Jono being fondled in class to lured and locked in a Gay's house to openly being approached and seduced by gays, I guess it is my destiny to be surrounded, approached and/or attacked by gays...even in Australia.

I should've seen it coming. I should've noticed the signs and warnings. Gay signals were thrown my way, yet I didn't pick it up. If only I were more cautious and set up my defenses, I wouldn't be caught in a situation far worse than the whole Memoirs of a Gaysha trilogy put together.

*Shudders* I was face to face with a gay aussie, both of us, naked.


YEA, read it again and again till it sinks in.

First, ask yourself, how does a person end up face to face, naked, with an advancing gay Australian? The second question to ask yourself is, what are the chances of that happening ? Then ask yourself, what would you do? The final question you should ask yourself is "WHY ME?!!!"

Like I said, I was forewarned. There were signs I was in for my worst gay experience yet. And, for some reason, the signs had to be multiple, little gay experiences...

2 weeks before....

1st sign
I was at home at my computer chatting with a male friend back in Malaysia.

Friend: Hey Jono, when are you coming back ? We really miss you!
Jono: I will be heading home in June, pal. Missing you all too...
Friend: Well, better hurry back home! I'm turning gay missing you, day by day. *Muaks!*
Jono: UGhhg! Dude!

Well, harmless isn't it? A friend teasing a friend... A subtle sign...

2nd sign
I was walking along Victoria Park, a long road with shops and restaurants on each side of the road. Nice place to hang out. Having just had lunch I left the restaurant and headed towards the central area where there were more shops. On the way, I stumbled across a man walking in the opposite direction. He did not have shoes on, had pants so short you could say he was practically wearing briefs and had his shirt tied up in a ribbon-like knot that his belly was exposed. He had long wavy hair and walked in a swaying motion like a woman. Crazy. Gay. I set up my defenses. He caught my eye and held a gaze. He smiled and waved at me. As he walked by, he took a sniff at me. Yea, he smelled me out. Not cool. Freaky. I got over it, however and forgot about it after a day of sight seeing...

Slightly more intense sign. I failed to process it...

3rd sign
My housemate whom is very handsome, so handsome that even I envied his looks, confessed to me that he was gay and also mentioned that I was a "pretty person", before moving out of the house.

By now the gay signs were screaming...

It was one of those days where it was scorching hot and even when you're at home in nothing but boxers with the fan turn on high and windows opened, you still sweat like a pig. There was no refuge from the summer heat in Perth. Not when you do not have a cooler. So when my housemate said he was going to the public pool for a swim, it was like being invited to a spa in heaven. I tagged along.

It was 3 dollars per entry. Pretty good price, and the place was really nice, clean, cheerful and bright with families and friends having a good time splashing around in the nice cool water. There were 3 pools; The kid's pool, race pool/track pool( for racing/practice, not sure what you call them) and a diving pool with big slides and a tramp for diving. I did a cannonball jump into the diving pool, into heaven. I was having a wonderful time cooling off, swimming a lap or two, getting to and fro from the race pool and the diving pool now and then, when suddenly my senses tingled. Someone was staring at me...

After multiple gay experiences you'd think that they would've been a real eye opener and that by now I would've developed some sort of Gay-sense or something but this was one of those freaky moments where you just freeze in your tracks and cannot move, like Samara from The Ring crawling out of the television set to kill you. You're just freaked and cannot move. I did not see who was looking at me nor did I know where he was looking at me from, I just felt it, and I was freaked.

I turned around a few times trying to find the source of where I got this eeky feeling from. I scanned around the pool area and also in the pool and then I caught his eye. He was just about 10 feet away from me in the diving pool. Oh yea, he was aussie alright! Big huge bloke with lotsa chest hair and unshaven facial hair. He was fit too ! He definitely went to the gym allot, judging from his muscles and was also at least 2 heads taller than me. As I caught his eye, he smiled and waved at me. His first words? "Gidday mate!"

Basic courtesy kicked in.

Hesitantly, Jono smiled back and replied "Good day."

From Memoirs of a Gaysha Pt2 and Pt3, we know that basic courtesy was the reason why I fell into the traps of preying gays in the first place. Obviously I didn't learn my lesson and failed to dump basic courtesy. What can I do ? My parents instilled it in me as a kid. Its second nature.

After replying to his greeting, Jono went to the race pool, the hair on his back still in stiff erection...

The next half and hour in the pool was a peek-a-boo game between the guy and me. Every now and then I glance at him from the corner of my eye to see if he was looking at me and 90% of the time he was but would look away when I caught him! After thinking "Ah, I've had enough of this! Its freaky!" I headed to the changing/locker room to shower and get changed. Now, you see, my housemate and I agreed that after swimming, we were gonna head off to town for some ice-kacang (Yes, they have them here, only more expensive). That is why we had to shower and change into clean clothes before that.

When I walked into the shower room, to my astounding...staggering...suprise....horror...and utmost shock... It was a penis festival!!! Well, not exactly but the showers were not in closed cubicles but open showers where everyone just showered bare naked in front of everyone! Now, Imagine walking into a hot room, filled with steam and 30 other men, naked, who turns to you as soon as your enter, their safari-jungle-like-pubic-hair-surrounded penises (note: PLURAL for penis!) swaying in your direction, all different in size, length, color and shape. Now, amongst all those chased-by-flesh-eating-zombie movies I've seen, this scene is the scariest yet!

For 5 seconds I was actually scared ! I just stood there feeling scared! I don't know why. just- SCARED. Snapping myself back, I turned and walked out of the room and ran towards my friend, "Dude! They're.....they're all...freaking naked man!" My friend could only laugh and told me to just get used to it and go shower coz "That's the way they do it here!"

"That's the way. nuh-uh nuh-uh, don't like it!!!"

So...I waited till everyone finished showering. Yeaps. Thats the only way I was gonna be stripping and showering. When the last guy left, I told myself "Ok ,Jono! Here is your chance! You get in there, strip, shower and get out of there ASAP! Do not stay a minute longer than you have to! You can always shower again when you get home! Now, ready, Go!" With that I rushed into the room, striped down to my manliness, flicked the shower on and got down to business.

It was no more than 30 seconds after I had begun showering when the guy who was looking at me all the time, stormed into the shower room , naked! All he had in his hand was a towel. His eyes fixed on mine and he smilled. He SMILED! Jono...Jono... JONO FREAKED. Ok, Lets go through that situation again. A man who had been staring at Jono for the last 30 minutes at least, with god knows what going through his mind, just stormed into a shower room, naked, and as he see's Jono naked too, smiled. SMILED. Who smiles at a naked man when he himself is naked? Gay men.

This is the part in the movie where the zombie has caught the guy in a corner of a room, hands and teeth ready (In this case, penis) to devour the man...

Crazy worst-case scenarios ran through my mind...

"Maybe he was waiting all this while to get into the shower room at the same time that I did?!! "
"Maybe...maybe he was planning this all along to get into the shower and rape me!?!"
"Now, what is he going to do ? Run at me and attack me?"
"Man, my arsehole is gonna be 2 or 3 times larger than its supposed to be!"

Now, you have to be aware of the situation I was in. I was face to face and penis to penis with a gay man.

He walked towards me, still smiling...

By now I was ready to give my super karate punch, followed by a Street Fighter-Ryu's O-yugen mega upper cut and a Chung Li spinning helicopter kick, coupled with a Jackie Chan multi punch combo and a Jet Li death grip combo attack to his groin to finish him off and run away. He however stopped short and choose a shower beside me to shower. "THERES LIKE 30 OTHER SHOWER HEADS HERE, WHY CHOOSE ONE BESIDE ME PUNK?!!" I thought. Even in public urinals, when a guy stands near me to pee, I'd freak. Now was a naked guy showering beside me. I'd rather pee in public.

It was too much to bear. I wrapped myself with my towel, and as I raised my hand to turn off the shower, he looked at me, straight in the eye (What is it with gay people and eye contact?!), and said "Hiya mate. can tell this is your first time in an open shower place aye?" With my lower part covered, I was more comfortable speaking but he was still naked!

I managed to choke out "Yea, it's just... awkward"

The scene was just....freaky(how many times have I used this word?)... There was I, half naked, having a conversation with a naked person, half simplemindedly showering. But still, I couldn't just run away now, could I ?

"Yea mate, I know. You just came here eh? Where from?
"Malaysia, a couple of weeks ago"
"Malaysia! Oh, I've been there! Really nice warm place and lotsa fun! Which part?"
"Penang (Thinks'Uh, what kinda fun you talking about man?')"
"Ah, I've only been to Kuala Lumpur. But of course, Pearl of the Orient, was it? Yea, beautiful place as Ive seen from the pictures"
"Yea, it is."

... This is the first time... I'm having... casual conversation... with a...naked...naked...naked... man. I mean, if it were a woman, it'd be a whole different story eh !

I tried to excuse myself. My brain which is saturated with basic courtesy told me that I had to enthusiastically and pleasantly say "Well, mate, nice chatting with ya, but I gota go. Glad you enjoyed Malaysia. See ya!" But, that would just be totally...wrong. Just wrong, I dont know why. I just said ", I gota go. See ya." I then turned away and walked towards the exit.

Having just took no more than 3 steps away, he called me.


I turned around. "Yea?"

In a...freakingly-seducing tone he slowly said "Wanna, have some fun?" and he grinned.



Then, the scariest part of all. He walked towards me. ..

Wait, to help you get the impact and horror of that situation, let me rephrase that.



Sorry, that wasn't the scariest part. NO. The scariest part was....


So, kids, what do you do when a huge naked gay aussie man walks towards you, with his penis pointing at you ?

You run.

But Jono was no kid. He was a man! A man does not run!... Or does he ?
Maybe from advancing gay men. Yea, they do run.

Jono, horrified, choked "Shit, no way man!" , turned around and practically ran out of the shower room.

I didn't exactly "run" but more like...walked really fast. Yea. I never looked back. Ever.


After changing and getting over the shock, I told my friend about it on the way to the restaurant (We were gonna have ice-cream remember?) . He didn't believe me. I wasn't happy. I secretly wished that a gay would catch him the next time he goes swimming again.


The only good thing I can squeeze out of this is - More writting material.
There you have it folks, Gays "R" Back Mountain