Thursday, July 05, 2007

For you, Guys !

Thanks Azrael...

Love sucks. So, what's new? It's been the same story ever since man stopped picking up women by clubbing them over the head and dragging them back to a cave (why did we stop using that system anyway?) People are always saying that we must learn from history, be careful not to repeat our mistakes. Yet, time and time again, we do so anyway. So many guys just don't understand the system.

Well, I do.

So, as a community service to the nice guys of the world, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. That's right, I've got the key to the golden treasure of the sun God, and I'm opening it up baby. So, all you nice guys out there who spend inordinate amounts of time wondering why you're still single, listen up. Turn off the tv, close the door, turn off your cell phones, put out the cat, and stop listening to What Could Have Been #47 as she whines about how Jerk #5172 doesn't pay her enough attention. This is important. Now, come closer. Closer. The secret, the golden secret that you've been looking for since puberty is...

Women are different from men.

No shit, Sherlock, right? Yeah, you'd think. But the sad thing is that so many men just don't realize this simple fact. They don't realize it, and it doomes them to fall into that vile trap, that horrible pit of evil and despair, that wretched hell that no man would dare sentence his most hated enemy to: The Friend Zone.

Here's how it works. You meet a girl. She's nice, and attractive. You take the time to become her friend, and get to know her. You earn her trust and respect. And she, in turn, wins you over with her personality; the little things she does, her cute little smile, her energy, the way she farts and then giggles about it, yada yada yada, etc. You become friends, close friends, and then you fall in love with her. It's a good system, right? Getting to know her for who she is, falling in love with her true identity and not the person she pretends to be or even wants to be. Establishing a firm and solid friendship based on trust and respect for each other. Yeah...that's the man way of doing things. Smart. Practical. Rational.

But you forget that women are highly irrational. Sorry ladies, but the truth hurts.

The main problem here is that you nice guys are expecting the women to do the same. Get to know you, become good friends, great friends, and then lovers. Nuh-uh. Don't work that way. You see, a women will be everything with you but your girlfriend. She'll spend time with you every day, open up to you, tell you her secrets, basically, go the whole 8 yards with you. She won't be your girlfriend because you are missing that crucial ninth yard; which just happens to be the end zone. You won't get to spike your ball, if you catch my drift. ^_^

The key thing is attraction. She has to be attracted to you. If not, you will never have a relationship with her. Never. Don't get the wrong ideas - there's a lot more to it than just your looks and your clothes. Granted, that's part of it. Girls have different tastes, and maybe your appearance is exactly what you're looking for. Maybe it's not. Most of the time, it's not. They're very particular, you know. But don't worry. If you don't look like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, or Ricky Martin minus the gay, all hope is not lost. What most nice guys don't realize is that you can create attraction. This is actually necessary if you want to hook up with a girl who isn't initially attracted to you. Without attraction, you will be banished to the Friend Zone to rot away like leftover meatloaf in the back of the fridge.

You need to create attraction; you need to do it early, and you need to do it well. You have to establish, right off the bat, that you are a possible romantic interest. You need to give her a challenge - something to work on with you. Don't be up front and open with her right from the get-go; make her earn it. Strangely enough, she wants to do it. If you come out of the box preassembled and ready to date, that won't be any fun for her. You'll never build attraction. Most importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, do not be her friend. Suitor, yes. Friend, no. "But I like this girl." You whine. "Why wouldn't I want to be friends with her?" Listen to me carefully now, this is important: fuck that. You got it? One more time? Ok: fuck that. You wanna be her friend? You want her to call you up in the middle of the night to complain about her guy problems to you? You want to invest all of your free time in her to get absolutely no returns? You want to be everything to her emotionally, but have her laying down for every other guy she meets? Fine. Be my guest. You want to be one of the guys mounting her (pardon my bluntness), listen to me. You can be her friend later. If the relationship does work out, or even if it doesn't, you can become her friend then. Suitors can become friends. But friends will never become suitors.

The process actually works in the opposite for women. Men can meet a women they have no attraction to, get to know her, fall in love, and be totally into her. Not women. As women get to know a guy they have no attraction for, the possibility goes further and further away. It doesn't take long before the possibility is completely gone. The Friend Zone is unescapeable. And you know you're fully immersed when she says the following or a variation of - "I'm looking for a guy just like you/why can't more guys be like you?/You're good boyfriend material, you'll make some woman happy some day/I don't get why you're single/You're such a good friend."

Girls, do you have any idea how much it sucks to hear that shit? Do you? You think you're complimenting him, but you might as well just pull back and kick him squarely in the crotch. Same difference. It's like strapping a convict into the electric chair, going over to the lever, and saying something like "You could have been found innocent so easily" or "You were so close to being pardoned." Bzzzt.

You know what really sucks? When the girl and the guy..."friend"...inevitably have that conversation about sex, and the girl says "I dunno, you and me...that would just be really weird and awkward. You're like a brother or something." Gee. Thanks. Weird and awkward. Doesn't that just make my day! Oh, I've never had the distinct pleasure of having this one inflicted on me, but I have heard of guys who've had "It would be kind of disgusting, wouldn't it?" flung upon them. Holy shit.

And tact joins rational thinking in the list of traits that men would die to see women posess.

So...yeah, attraction. And even if she thought you were cute to begin with, or you did a bang-up job of creating it, the game isn't over. You need to sustain it. You can be dating her for months, but if she loses her attraction, you'll be "LBJF'ed", which is, of course, "Let's Just Be Friends"'ed. Or just F'ed, that works too on so many levels. Let's just be friends. Jesus Christ that's awful. I think I'd rather be dipped in chum and tossed into shark-infested waters than hear that.

I'm sure there are you non-believers out there who at this point think I'm completely full of shit. Mommy has told you to just be yourself, because you're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like you. Seriously though, you're a good guy, whom people like, and if you just be patient the right girl will come along. And this is true...partially. It will be true when you get into your 30's. By this time, women are desperate, and finally, rational. They'll grow to love you as you do for them. Or they'll settle for you. Whatever works, right? You just have to decide if, after years of finishing last, if you're going to be bitter about it and give them a cold shoulder in return, or forgive past sins and take them in. And you probably will forgive them, because guys are pretty horny, and the discovery of Viagra didn't help.

But the whole "Just be yourself" bit...ha! You've been yourself this whole time...has it worked? No! Attraction is the key. You can be yourself later. You have to play the game now if you want to hook up with the girls you want. So, the question is, do you want to hook up, or do you want to continue spending Friday nights home alone, listening to Vertical Horizon's "Everything You Want" a thousand times on repeat and crying to yourself "Why am I still single while the jerks are racking up women?" Maybe watching the Star Trek repeats on TNN. Hey, that was a good show.

You're probably wondering how to create attraction at this point. Well, it's not my job to tell you. I've opened the door, it's your job to go in. There are many resources on the web where you can find various approved methods of creating attraction. Or, you can use that radical and innovative concept called "the real world" (no, not the MTV show) and ask a guy who knows the game and plays it well. Much like Pat Morita, I have shown you the way, now it's up to you to go out there and become the karate kid, and beat the hell out of Joe Piscopo. Or not. Whatever works for you. But, I've taken you this far; the rest is up to you.

Mostly because I'm tired of writing this article, and really want to stop now.

1 comment:

jingles said...

Hey Jo-No!! It's JINGLES here.What's wrong with you?All that swearing ("+_*)..esp with "sweet baby Jesus"..swear anything but using His name kays jo-no my dear friend.Ok enough of that i wana tell u that u r wrong..some of us (females) would really fall for a guy just for who he is.First of all,it's character which consists of respect,faithfulness,and not the wild partying type.A decent gal and i mean the type of gal who would not play silly brain depressing games like u mentioned,a gal who wants a future husband,a gal who isn't the hunk-come-lay-me type who has respect fr herself and treasures her virginity and body and wishes to be for her husband only would not do that type of s***.she wouldnt open up to a guy too much and there's gotta be reservation.Any gal who gets too close and etc etc with no interest in d guy(but the guy has gt interest in her) is just plain leading him on.It's just that irritating,pathetic game that such...slu..i mean uncouth gals would do..(whisper..was gona say sluts)It's some kind of silly the guy wanted the gal and has a liking..i'd suggest that he better guard his heart and keep a distance..he will know if she is the sincere good girl type meaning NO-EMOTION-AND BRAIN-GAMES..sheeeesh..why would any guy want a pretentious flirtatious gal who plays head and emotional games with u?Opening up then throwing a bucket of ice is no fun and its that type of gal who just isn't worth ur time..go pick one whom u r attratced to and who is attracted to u for THE REAL U..gus who play head games with gals are irritating too (same fr gals who play those games)..^^