Friday, June 06, 2008

Hey you

Yes, I'm talking to you.

Its apparent what the stress of studies and exams can do to you. The large amount of facts you have to memorize and understand is overwhelming. You try to piece the many fragments of facts together, to make sense of it. You do not comprehend half of what you have been taught. You ask your seniors for help. They chuckle and sigh. They say they've forgot it all. They claim they still shudder at the thought of what they studied and they've put it behind them. Your friends, they're struggling too. You struggle together, getting nothing out of it but extra burden from them. You turn to the harder working "smarter" ones in your course. Nerds, you may know them as. You humbly ask for some guidance. Some tips, at least. They try to explain what you don't know, but with an air of pride. They make you feel like you're wasting their time. They sigh and frown a lot. After all, for the whole year, they've seen you surrounded by your friends, smiling and laughing while they were the ones left behind their books. Now, they're smirking inside. They leave you feeling stupid. Maybe they forgot the time you smiled and tried to speak to them and be their friend. Then, you feel angry. They're the nerds who only study and study and study! Their thick spectacles, patches of white hair, and odd sense of dressing only makes you resent them now.

You decide you might as well struggle alone. After all, you're strong and independent, aren't you? You get home and see the dishes, bills to pay, the pile of laundry, dinner to prepare, grocery and more planning to do but you have so much to study! Again, you're overwhelmed. Then you get frustrated at yourself. Aren't you supposed to be all grown up and matured and able to handle all this? Be a man! Toughen up! Be brave! Then you see your house mates. They're studying business, commerce, mass communication or accounting. They go out every night, parting, clubbing and hanging out. They never seem to study and yet they always pass. You're that "good boy" who stays at home, studying your ass off, memorizing physiological and biological processes and reactions. You turned down that birthday party, that food festival, that youth gathering, that beach party, that afternoon with friends. You didn't go because you wanted to make sure you caught up with what was taught in class, to stay on-top of things. You still fell behind, damn it! You fool, why didn't you just go and live life?

Then you get angry. Why did you have to be such a stuck up, self assured moron and studied such a tough course? Why, look back at your teenage life. You spent most of your time studying! For what?! To get stuck in an office with a white collar, a tie and a coat? Just to earn that meaningless status and respect in the society? For a more comfortable home? To earn big money so you can have a better sofa and dinning set than your neighbor? Surely it can't be because you have a heart for people ? Not enough to sacrifice your teenage life for, anyway, right? You get angrier and angrier till there's nothing and no one to be angry at anymore but yourself - Your hopeless, pathetic self who now seem to totally suck at studying. Then the anger turns to fear. What if you let your parents down? Their disappointment will be yours as well. And all the money spent in paying for you to live and study, down the drain . Ah, your friends. They have expectations of you too. No no no! You can't let that happen! You'll study harder! You'll push myself! you'll become a nerd too! Then you study for hours and hours and but nothing stays in your head. You even seem to forget the previous things you've learn't. You panic again. It starts again. Stress, panic, anger, fear. Then you think too much. Oil and Land prices. Corruption. Urbanization. Deteriorating lifestyles. The future seems sinister and dark. Why can't you just give up now ? When does it end? Why work for such a future?

Then you break down.

Take a look at yourself. The lump of hopelessness on the chair, sitting in front of your textbooks and notes.

I guess you're not so tough after all.

8 comments:

Nicki said...

Having the exam blues eh?
Hang in there, these days may seem the longest ever but you'll live..

=)

Think of the freedom ahead! Thats how I survive my gruelling exams...

janzc said...

Hey jono...
one advice... start praying!! ask God to double/triple the time you spend with him into your studies, to give you the strength to go through this with Him.

He did not put you in this course to watch you struggle and not enjoy life. =]

just my 2c

Janice

Jo-no said...

Thanks Nikki, Jannice:)
Its a passing thing , haha.
Was frustrated and couldn't sleep, so thought I might as well type it out.

Thanks!

kl56 said...

My Exams will finish soon. Woo Hoo Hoo.

You Sock, I Rock.

Ken

Jo-no said...

Keep rockin till I put a sock in your mouth.

You rock, I sock.

kl56 said...

lmao. nice one. asss

karthik said...

Thats what exams for dude..Lets kick its ass.

Xin Yun said...

jono, i understand n experience every word of yours... medical students huh? we juz hav 2 gone through dis.